Am I a "Glutton for Punishment"
Sometimes in processing my feelings I find myself in hide sight thinking, perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Of course that is just a metaphor, but seriously. What is drawing me to the same type of situations? In this moment I have concluded these aforementioned thoughts with the fact that God is using it all FOR MY GOOD! At times I'd have to admit it does not seem that way, but that is the beauty of processing your emotions, praying, and realizing just whose you are. I am the King's child and He is always on my side!
In this journey of healing, I thought to myself just yesterday, is there a difference between self esteem and self love. The initial thoughts that came to mind when reflecting over my life were, in regards to self esteem I have always believed myself to be physically beautiful. I love my eyes and my lips. While I've been overweight all of my life, my weight was never really a problem for me in any given moment. In fact, if it was not truly for my desire to be a healthier person because my life depends on it literally, being overweight still would continue to be a part of who I am. While it may bother other people, as someone who has never been thin it is really all I know and again has not really hindered my life. I love fashion and I've been pretty good at dressing myself every since I was old enough to decide what it was I wanted to wear/ my style. Any way I say all of this to say I've always felt as if I had high self esteem. It was not until looking up the definition of self esteem that I begin to think about what it's meaning looks like in my life. Self esteem is defined as: confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect. Self-esteem is not really about how you feel about yourself physically. In fact it's way deeper than that. In being honest with myself, despite always feeling like I have high self esteem, I have to acknowledge that my choices have not always been conducive to knowing my worth and not settling for anything less. Quite frankly I attribute much of this to how I was raised. The morals, values, standards, experiences and traumas of my life. It is now that I find myself working hard to undo a lot of which I now know is not good for me. It is now that I have given myself the permission to put me first and walk away from what no longer serves me despite what I have known my whole life. Self love is defined as: regard for one own's well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic). I accept that is 100% okay to choose me! To put me first. I am dedicating my life to doing better all while showing myself more grace when I fall short, for that too is apart of the process.
I can say after further reflection, I am at a point of my life of shattering this unrealistic concept of perfection. That it is unrealistic to believe I have to look, feel, act, or be a certain way. The purpose of life is to live and to learn. I am worthy of success, good health, healthy and real love, financial freedom, and all around goodness. No I have not made the best decisions that are inclusive of these aforementioned things, but as long as I am living, learning, creating healthy habits, and making the necessary positive changes everything will be okay. Even when I don't EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY! I must forgive myself, forgive others and move on! And as I've said before, the best news of it all is reminding myself that despite any situation, circumstances, or shortcomings GOD IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE and HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. I am not a glutton for punishment, I am just a young woman becoming. Becoming Tiff Elle.